Polium One is a Web3 console that will never come out

Render of an imaginary console and controller floating in the clouds.

Image: shomos uddin / polyum / congenplus (Getty Images)

Polium One is the answer to a question that no one has ever asked and never will. It is a “next generation web gaming console”. That is, a render on a website for a fictional car that I’m pretty sure will never be made. I dare to prove that I am wrong.

To be clear from the start, “web3” or “web 3.0” is a general term for a series of transparently evident fraud, from the fallacies of cryptocurrency to the embarrassment of NFTs. It doesn’t really mean anything, and if you see someone using it, you know to stick very wide. So yes, Polium One!

Polium, a company so famous that it couldn’t even get Twitter handle with a single underscore after the brand name, announced its intention to create the first console designed for…for…things. You know. Web materials 3. Um, like, payments! Yes, payouts! You can pay for purchases on it using all types of cryptocurrency!

Seriously, that’s all he has. On a hilarious website suggesting a launch in 2024 for backers and 2025 for the common people, there is a FAQ that has absolutely no answers other than what bullshit payment networks it will accept. As a nocoiner, you might want to ask, “What games will be available at launch?” but they will only tell you, “We are currently in talks with several game developers.” Meanwhile, the true believer will want to know that you can spend your fictitious money through Ethereum, Solana, Polygon, BNB, Imm…

My favorite question in the FAQ is “What are the specs?” And not only for this painful effort not to separate the infinitive. Here is the answer, in full:

“We are committed to building a high performance console. The specifications you see on the site are not confirmed until we have a functional prototype.”

High performance! Where to pre-order?

As far as these “specs” on the site are, as far as I can tell, they are: 4K Ultra HD, TouchID, 8K HDR, ray tracing, up to 120 fps.

Let’s break it down. It’s 4K & 8K, ray tracing and 120fps without a graphics card, and it boasts…TouchID, wholly owned by Apple and not available to outsiders! Bold claims!

This is indeed doubling down on the TouchID declaration it absolutely cannot haveclaiming that it is also a technology that will prevent others from getting inside and using your console to spend all their cryptocurrency on a picture of a monkey.

However, if you want to spend all your cryptocurrency on a monkey image, the console has your back, offering a “multi-chain wallet for trading, swapping, and bridging” as well as “buying and trading NFTs and in-game items.”

It gets even funnier when you look at Polium. Middle page, where we are told that “the console will be created by the community”. Eh, yes? Well, you see: “We will be accepting pre-orders before the console hardware is fully assembled. This will help us gather customer feedback, ideas and validations.” Ahhh. They will take your money before the item arrives to make you feel more valued. It’s clear.

Let’s remember nobody this exists. It’s a render alongside a series of nonsensical claims and the promise of a prototype “in a few months”. Nothing offers a path to victory like “in a few”. But where a puddle of detail suddenly appears is the layout of his “clean dashboard”.

Polium dashboard mockup that will never be.

Image: Polium

Look at this set of games! There is Other side, a “metaverse” game from Bored Ape Yacht Club that will never be fully released! There is Decentraland, the unfortunate virtual world of NFC! There is the main street, an online shopping mall in alpha! And so on. Every “game” it thinks works on the system is a crude mishmash of ways to spend money that requires a “wallet connection” before you can play. It’s not subtle. And, of course, none of these are confirmed for Polium, because Polium is currently completely imaginary.

And we haven’t even touched on how the emblem belongs to the Game Cube, replacing the negative letter G with a P. Or how the controller is a Dollar Store Dual Sense with a trackpad that has fallen off.

So how do you buy one? Because god knows you desperately need it, right? Well, as it happens, you have to spend a lot of crypto on a “pass”. A pass that will then let you trade it for a console when that thing is never done.

BUT WAIT, THERE IS MORE! Buy the Polium Pass as soon as the company realizes it and you’ll also get a “free” Playables PFP NFT! In other words, a jpeg image of the “retro robot”, and like much else in this gibberish, “Polium” “will provide more information later this year”. How will you pay for things? Using the “PLAY” token, about which Polium “will provide more information later this year.”

It’s amazing how much information will be provided later this year, as if the announcement of his fantastic product came as a surprise to the Polium Underscore Underscore.

Every section on the site is so (un)funny. Like a road map. My God, I love this so much.

The so-called "road map" for Polium, from "idea" to "launch".

Screenshot: Polium / Kotaku

Ideal. Have all my money.

We will, of course, keep you updated on every step of Polium’s development, from when it starts taking people’s money to its eventual announcement that it won’t launch after all.

If this thing is ever released, I’ll burn my head.

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